Cool and funny Armenian jokes about Armenians. Jokes about Armenians: anecdotes, jokes, funny stories and the best jokes Armenian funny stories
© Movsisyan A., 2016
© JSC Publishing House Argumenty Nedeli, 2016
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Section I. Do you love money and gifts?
I wonder how Armenians can age cognac for five years?
- Yes indeed! Here we have vodka - a maximum of 15 minutes of exposure!..
An Armenian reads at a beer stall: “There is no beer, but for Armenians there is NO beer AT ALL.” Asks the seller:
– Why not for Armenians at all?
– Because when Armenians ask: “Is there any beer?” - you tell them: “No.” And they ask: “NO AT ALL?”
Armenia, Yerevan, central street, training car, student driving, instructor nearby.
Instructor:
– Here’s an introduction: you’re driving at a speed of 60 km per hour, and an old grandmother and a young granddaughter suddenly jump onto the road. Who will you crush?
- Of course, I still feel sorry for my grandmother and granddaughter!
Instructor:
- Ram! The brake must be pressed, brake!
The Armenian returns home and says to his wife: “Wife!” Quickly take off your clothes, quickly! - And what?
– I’ll show you the position in Mexican. The process has begun. After the process. Wife:
-What's Mexican? It was the same as always! Husband: - Oh, I almost forgot: “Cha-a-cha.”
An Armenian says to a friend:
“Listen, dear, my brother sent me a telegram that he had a child, but he didn’t say: a boy or a girl.”
- So what? - said the friend.
- So now I don’t know who I am: aunt or uncle.
Question for Armenian radio: – How to make sure that Russian news is no different from Ukrainian? – Turn off the sound.
Three Armenians boast: “When I was happy, my Atets slaughtered a ram!”
- When I was glad, my atets killed a bull!
- And when I was happy, my atets stabbed the sased!
The Armenian was swimming in the sea and suddenly began to drown. He sees a Russian walking along the shore. The Armenian, out of fear, forgot how to call for help in Russian and yells:
- Hey, honey, this is the last time I’ve taken a bath - it’s a shame, yes!
The Armenian graduated from the pedagogical institute and became a speech therapist. First reception day. A man comes into the office, has a lisp, and has trouble pronouncing his words.
- Take off your clothes, go behind the screen.
A minute later, a loud “Ah-ah” is heard from behind the screen. The doctor comes out, washes his hands and says:
- Everything is fine, come tomorrow, we will study “B”.
An Armenian went to Cuba and comes to dine at a restaurant. He soon notices that when the waiter wants to collect the bill from the Cubans, they stroke their jaw and whisper: “Agent Castro.” And the waiter doesn’t take anything from them... When the Armenian’s turn comes to pay, he also strokes his jaw and whispers: “Agent Castro.”
- Where is your beard then? – the waiter is surprised.
The Armenian unbuttons his shirt and, pointing to his hairy chest, whispers:
- Secret agent!..
Armenian radio was asked the question: “Is it true that all girls of easy virtue have eyes that glow in the dark?”
While the Armenian radio was thinking about the answer, the Odessa radio turned on:
– If this were so, then there would be white nights in Odessa!
St. Petersburg immediately joined in: “Gentlemen, what are you hinting at?”
We had an Armenian - Kanat.
We sit and take the exam, everyone has their own task. And then laughter comes from the end of the audience, everyone asks:
-What's the matter?
Those who have not yet slid under the desk say: “Problem 67.”
“Problem 67. There is a rope on the table, the end hangs 3 meters...”
There are three stores nearby in Armenia. The owner of the left one hung a sign:
"We have the lowest prices."
Owner of the right:
“We have the highest quality products.”
And the owner of the middle one, after thinking, hung up a sign:
"The main entrance is here."
In Yerevan, an Azerbaijani decided to drink sparkling water, threw a coin, and a fist came out and punched him in the face. He stands there, completely shocked. Again he tossed a coin, and again the same story. He asked a passing Armenian to throw a coin into the machine. He throws it, a fist comes out again, waves “go away,” and again into the Azerbaijani’s nose.
Driver Sarkis came to the Election Commission and told the chairman:
– I also want to become a deputy.
- What are you, a fool?
- Hey, listen, is this also necessary?
In the train compartment there is an Englishwoman in a seductive miniskirt. The Armenian from the top shelf devours her with his eyes.
Seeing such close attention to herself, the Englishwoman becomes flirtatious. Either he’ll go to the mirror to straighten his hair, or he’ll move his suitcase on the shelf.
But the Armenian is silent and, you know, eats the Englishwoman with his eyes. To somehow defuse the situation, the Englishwoman asks:
– Do you speak English?
The Armenian answers: “Wah!” I really want it!
In a train compartment, a mother explains to her son how children are born:
- Clay is taken, a blank is molded, then if it is bathed in milk, it will be a boy, and if it is bathed in water, it will be a girl.
The Armenian, hanging from the second shelf, asks with interest:
- Listen, woman, what? old way canceled?
Ashot was asked what it is: if you give a lot, you will give little. If you give a little, will you give a lot?
“Our district judge,” answered Ashot.
An Armenian is sitting in a restaurant. He has drinks and snacks on the table, and a gorgeous blonde on his lap. His friend enters the hall:
- Wow, macaw, you have an ulcer!!! The doctor forbade you from all this!!!
- Just think, doctor!!! I gave him $300, so he allowed me everything again...
An Armenian returns home after a foreign business trip to England. Relatives ask:
- Well, how is your English? Didn't let you down on your trip?
“I’m not here, but the British had a lot of problems with him!”
Question to Armenian radio:
– How can you spot a DOOMer on the street?
- By gait. They don't turn corners, but go sideways.
Question to Armenian radio:
– How is the “cobra” aerobatics performed?
– We need to accelerate the plane and sharply pull the handbrake!
Question to Armenian radio:
– Why do programmers give birth to girls in 80% of cases?
- Because there are five times more of them than necessary!
- What's your name?
- Spartak.
- What, in honor of the football club?
- No, in honor of the gladiator, the leader of the slaves.
– How did they know about the football club?
Two mountaineers are talking:
“My father, when I brought in my first salary, he slaughtered a sheep.
- What, such a big salary?
- Nat. I was very nervous.
Father and son, who arrived from an Armenian village, go to the theater to see “Swan Lake”. The ballet is in full swing. Tigran asks his father:
- Why are they all on tiptoe?
- I don’t know, son. There are a lot of swans.
“The whole yard is probably covered in shit.”
Somehow two Armenians meet.
– I heard you married a Japanese woman?
- Yes, indeed. - So how? - Disappointed. - What's the matter?
“It turned out to be a pathetic Chinese fake.”
A Georgian writes a letter to an Armenian. I wrote the word “how” and drew a bee next to it. And a louse. The Armenian did not understand anything and calls his friend:
- What did you write, Gogi?
- How are you doing? – explains Gogi.
The Armenian writes an answer. I drew a taxi and a ram. Gogi also did not understand anything in his friend’s message and calls Yerevan.
The Armenian answers him on the phone:
- Gogi, I wrote to you that I live like this.
Once an Armenian was walking around the zoo... Suddenly he suddenly approached a cage with gorillas. I peered there for a long, long time. It will either go away or come up. And as the people dispersed, they walked up to the cage, looked at the gorilla and said in surprise: “Vakhtang, are you talking?”
A Georgian and an Armenian are walking. It’s night, it’s dark, you can’t see anything. The Georgian suddenly stops, bends down, looks for something... so tensely, so nervously... The Armenian asks the Georgian:
- Gogi... and Gogi... what are you looking for?
- Yes, I dropped the last 10 kopecks... lost... what now... what to do next... what to live on...
The Armenian takes out a stack of 100 dollar bills and sets it on fire...
- Right now, Gogi jan, right now I’ll shine a light and we’ll find it, we’ll find everything...
Jews say that Noah was a Jew, which means that all people descended from them. But when Noah was descending from Mount Ararat, the father of one Armenian family, Tigran, shouted to his wife: “Zhena-jan, call the children quickly and come here, the circus has come to us!”
An Armenian is driving through the city. Catching up with a beautiful girl:
- Girl, let's go to the bathhouse!
- Impudent, fool, idiot!!!
- Why are you swearing? If you don’t want to wash, go dirty...
An Armenian and a Georgian are traveling on a tram. The Armenian is near the window, and the Georgian is nearby. The tram approaches the Rodina cinema.
The Armenian, who needs to go out, asks the Georgian:
-Are you going to Rodin?
The Georgian looked displeased at the Armenian and turned away. The Armenian, not understanding, asks again:
- Listen! Are you going to Rodin?
The Georgian, barely restraining his anger, looks at the Armenian and turns away with displeasure. The Armenian, already in complete bewilderment, exclaims to the entire tram:
- Are you going to Rodin?
The Georgian turns to the Armenian in a rage and, running his finger along his nose, shouts:
- And you are beautiful, right? Beautiful?!
Two Armenians are riding on a tram. They drive past the Optika store. One Armenian reads and says to another: “Look, Vartan, how illiterate they are! “Pharmacy” was written with an “O”. What fools! Another Armenian, grinning, answered him:
“Well, how stupid are you, Robik!!! Remember!!! It says “Pharmacy”, but it says “Optics”! We write about and we read.
The Yerevan Theater staged the play “Little Red Riding Hood”:
- Listen, grandma, why do you have such a big eye?
- It’s better to see you!
- Listen, grandma, why do you have such a big ear?
- It’s better to listen to you!
- Listen, grandma, why is your nose so big?
- Wow! Look at yourself, yes!
An Armenian married an Azerbaijani. After the famous Baku pogroms, the family was forced to seek refuge in another country. After some time, his wife's brother visits them. They sat down, drank and, as always, began to argue about Karabakh - “who is right and who is wrong.” We got excited, and then the Armenian, in order to defuse the situation, said: let’s go to my relatives, they live nearby in the same village. Let's go. They pass fields with grazing sheep, and then the Azerbaijani says: “Listen, I think we have already arrived, here are your relatives, the sheep, grazing.” To which the Armenian replies: “Yes, my relatives, only on my wife’s side.”
Arshak asks his father:
- Dad, where does the stork fly away after it brings a child?
- How to where? Back in your pants.
Ashot comes home and asks:
– Mom, didn’t the guy in the dark glasses call me?
Did you know that according to the Armenian Constitution, during the inauguration, the president must keep his right hand on his wife’s mother.
A Russian girl and a young Armenian meet.
– What’s your name?
– My name is Katya Petrova. Or just Sweet crumpet.
– And my name is Khachik Mikoyan. Or just a delicious sausage.
A Russian and an Armenian meet:
- My name is Ivan, you call it Hovhannes.
- And my name is Akop, you call it Trench.
Armenian golden wedding.
“Grandfather Ashot,” the grandchildren ask, “you lived with grandmother Anush for so many years.” Have you really not had a desire to part with her for so many years, to separate, for example?
- Should we separate? No way! Kill - yes...
An Armenian goes hunting. A friend meets him:
- Ara, where are you going?
- Go hunting.
- Imagine that you forgot your gun at home. And I met a huge bear in the forest. What will you do?
– How is it possible that I’m going HUNTING and forgot my gun!?
- Well, imagine - I forgot.
“Then I’ll kill this bear with a dagger!”
– Imagine that you forgot your dagger at home. What will you do?
- I’m a DZHIGIT, I always have a dagger with me!
- Well, just imagine - I forgot the dagger.
- Well... then I’ll climb a tree away from the bear!
– Imagine that there are no trees in the forest!
– Why are you completely crazy, there are no trees in the FOREST!?
- Well, just imagine.
- Listen, macaw, I don’t understand something - who is your friend: the bear or me!?
An Armenian is walking along Red Square with a turkey. Suitable ment:
- Citizen, it is forbidden to walk with animals here.
- Macaw, look, there are pigeons sitting around, what can they do, right?
- Well, a dove is a symbol of peace...
- What about my turkey? Has she declared war on you?
A man is walking along a city street, sees a man of Caucasian nationality crying near the lawn, approaches him and asks:
- Why are you crying?
“Yes, my brother is buried here, that’s why I’m crying,” the Armenian answers.
– What makes you think that he is buried here? - the passer-by asks him again.
– Don’t you see the sign, look “THE LAWN IS SEEDED.”
An Armenian is walking through Moscow. A Russian approaches him and asks: “Excuse me, but would it be difficult for you to tell me how I could get to the Maly Theater, please.”
The Armenian listened, thought and said: “You asked so politely, so politely that I tell you: “Go as you want.”
Three Armenians are walking down the street, and in front of them is walking beautiful girl. One:
- Eh, I wouldn’t spare ten thousand to sleep with such a girl!
- What’s ten, I don’t mind twenty!
- What are you talking about! Such a beauty, such a beauty! Such a girl needs to be dressed, put on shoes, given an expensive car, taken to a restaurant every evening!
Then the girl turns around:
- Excuse me, which of you was the third to speak?
Armenians in chorus:
- Yes, you go, go - that’s how we talk to each other...
By some miracle, the Armenian national team made it to the final of the World Cup.
They are playing against the Brazilian national team. It's the 20th minute of the match, the score is 0:0. One of the Armenian defenders brings down Ronaldo near the penalty area. The referee awards a penalty without hesitation. Ronaldo sets the ball for himself, runs up... and stops in shock... “The Wall” is standing with his back to him and facing the goal... The referee comes up and asks:
– Are your brains okay? You're looking in the wrong place!!!
– It’s not all right with your brain, do you think we’ll miss the chance to see this great goal???
The Georgian lies on the sofa, cries, laughs, tears the wool from his chest into shreds and puts it in a basket.
They ask:
- Why are you crying and tearing wool?
– Georgia did not fulfill the wool plan, but the party said: pay with the fur.
- Why are you laughing then?
- Wow, the Armenians didn’t fulfill the egg plan...
Can a girl give her her phone number after less than a minute of talking to her on the street?
– Maybe if this girl sells cosmetics.
Moscow. Recent time. The Armenian catches the car. "Kopeyka" is approaching. Armenian: “Pass through!” A Moskvich drives up: “Pass through!” The Volga is approaching. The Armenian gets into the car. “Ara, what’s your name, huh?” Driver:
"Vitaly." - “Listen to me, Vitaly! Now let’s go to the hotel, there will be a girl waiting for me... You will say: “Chief, am I free?” And I will say: “Yes, Vitaly, you are free!” You say: “Chief, give me 100 rubles for gasoline. “So we’ll pay! Understood?!"
Vitalik replies: “Got it, no problem!” They arrive at the hotel. The Armenian came out and kissed the girl...
Driver: “Chief, am I free?” - “Yes, Vitaly, you are free.” - “Chief, give me 1,500 rubles, otherwise the engine is acting up, we need to take it in for service...” - “Hmmmm... BABY Vitalik!”
A Georgian, an Armenian and an Azerbaijani are resting on the shore of the lake. Wine, kebabs.
Suddenly a flying saucer comes from the sky, and from it comes a humanoid. He comes out and says: “We have HEAVEN on our planet! Whoever answers my questions correctly will go with me.”
Georgian: “I’m first!”
Humanoid: “What is 5+5?”
Georgian: “Ten!”
Humanoid: “Well done Georgians, get into the plate!”
Humanoid to Azerbaijani: “What is 10 +10?”
Azerbaijani: “Fifteen!”
Humanoid: “Well done Azerbaijani, get into the plate!”
Humanoid to Armenian: “4,597,892 times 2,894,560???”
The Armenian, thinking: “Ara, brother, there are no places - say so!!!”
At an exhibition in Paris, Armenian cognac with three stars took first place, and the five-star one was not included in the prize-winners at all.
- Why did this happen? – they asked the Armenian winemakers.
– We surprise ourselves! They poured from one barrel.
On a desert island, an Armenian, Georgian and Russian find a cave. The lot falls to the Armenian to go on reconnaissance. He goes inside and falls into the clutches of the Cyclops, who drips from an oil can into the guest’s anus and pigeons the stranger.
Those remaining outside hear the cry of their companion, and after some time the Armenian appears outside. Russian and Georgian:
- What's happened?
– There’s a tribe of some Amazons, all half naked, beautiful!
- Why did you shout?
- So it was out of surprise. I've already served a couple. Just left to call you.
The Georgian turned out to be less trusting, and the Russian rushed into the cave. In the cave there is the same picture: a Cyclops, an oil dish, a series of homosexual acts. Those remaining outside hear the Russian screaming. The Armenian smiles sarcastically. The Georgians are perplexed. A Russian appears. Georgian to him:
- Well?
- Yes, it’s a blast, buddy, why was I so fast: I just leaned back from the zone - the woman had been gone for a long time.
And the Georgians ran into the cave. Terrible screams, screams, and curses are heard from the cave.
Armenian says:
- Yes! It’s hard for our brother, the Georgian!
- Yes, it’s harder than for us - I stole an oil can from a Cyclops!
During a lesson in an Armenian school, the teacher asks:
– What excites a person the most?
– The body of a naked woman! – answers Arsenchik, sitting on the first desk.
- Get out of class! And bring your father!
The next day Arsenchik came alone and sat at the last desk.
- Why didn’t you bring your father? Why did you sit at the last desk? - asks the teacher.
“Dad said that if you are not turned on by a naked woman, then you need to stay away from you.”
National Armenian dish.
To prepare it you need:
Globe - 1 pc., colored pencils - 1 set, Armenian with fantasies - 1 pc., stone, paper, pen... Shovel...
Take the globe, wash it, except for the place where Armenia is. Paint an arbitrary number of meridians around Armenia with orange and leave to dry. While it dries, come up with names of settlements and their history.
Then remember that there was no globe then, and transfer all this to a stone stolen from a neighbor. Write in capital letters at the top. Then bury it all in the neighbor's garden. After 3 days, dig out and serve with sauce.
This dish is distributed to all Armenians and all over the world.
Add salt and pepper to taste.
Nutritional value: Heartburn.
Shelf life: Store and multiply!
The Germans are chasing an Armenian and a Georgian. The Georgian hides in a well, the Armenian climbs a tree. The Germans notice the Armenian and catch him. When they pass by the well, the Armenian shouts:
- Come out, Shaliko, we were caught.
The Armenians came up with a new method for baldness. They grow hair on their shoulders and back, and then carefully comb it back onto their heads.
One day, Khaikanush meets Ashot, who has come home from work, completely naked.
- Oh, Khaikanush, are you completely crazy? – asked Ashot.
“Ashot, you don’t understand anything about modern fashion,” Khaikanush chuckled. – This is my new erotic costume.
- Khaikanush, at least you could pet him or something.
A very rich Armenian came fishing. I cast a fishing rod and caught a goldfish. She asks him: “Let me go, I will fulfill any wish!” The Armenian thought that he didn’t need anything, that he had everything, and released the goldfish.
I came home and told my wife about it. The wife said: “Why did you let her go? We should have wished for us to become Russian!” The Armenian went fishing again, caught a goldfish, and wished that he and his family would become Russian. The Armenian’s skin immediately became lighter, his nose became smaller, and his hair became white. He went home. He looks: instead of an Armenian house there is a Russian house, children are running around the house. He asks them: “Children, where is mom?” And the children responded: “Mom left with the ARMENIANS!!!”
An Armenian, a Georgian and an Azerbaijani were captured by the dragon. The dragon is hungry, but not very hungry; there is not enough appetite for all three. So he tells them: “Run around this mountain, whoever comes running first, I will let him go, I will eat the rest.”
The first to come running is... an Azerbaijani, five minutes later - a Georgian. They wait for the Armenian for half an hour, an hour. The dissatisfied dragon asks: “Where is this Armenian?”
And they said in unison: “And he went home...”
Armenian radio was asked:
– Why are some fathers allowed to be present at births?
– As compensation for absence during conception!
Armenian radio was asked: “Why did KVN broadcasts stop?” Answer:
“The cheerful ones went to the east, and the resourceful ones went to the west.”
During excavations in Tbilisi, workers came across a telephone cable. Georgians say to Armenians:
- Well, you see how long ago the telephone was invented in our country.
The Armenians responded:
- What is this! The other day we were digging near Yerevan and didn’t find any cable. Can you imagine how long cellular communications have been used in Armenia?
An Armenian arrives in Moscow. Catches a taxi. The taxi driver takes him to the place. The Armenian asks:
- What's the fare?
– 1000 rubles.
- Here's 500 rubles for you.
- You were also driving...
An Armenian comes from Yerevan to Moscow and goes to the zoo to see the animals. He passes by a parrot, and he says: “Barev, apperjan!” The Armenian thinks: “He says hello to me, he’s probably smart.” He goes to the director of the zoo to buy a parrot, but he cannot sell it. He says: “Buy his eggs.” - "OK". I bought eggs, came to Yerevan, gave eggs to friends so that they could put them under the chickens. After some time, the chicks began to hatch: some have ducklings, some have cuckoo chicks, some have ostrich chicks. Nobody has parrots. The Armenian arrived back in Moscow and passed by the parrot: “Fool! Stupid cancer! Armenian: “You and I know that I’m a fool, and the whole of Yerevan knows that you’re a prostitute!”
An Armenian comes to the doctor.
- Doctor! I have hemorrhoids.
– Take these candles, use them every day and come back in a week and we’ll see.
A week later, see the doctor.
- Doctor, what did you give me? I took it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and it didn’t help a damn thing.
- Yes, did you eat candles, or what? I told you to use it!
The Armenian answers ironically:
– Do you think I should have shoved them up my ass, or what?
An Armenian comes to the store to buy chicken. He approaches the counter and then forgets how to say CHICKEN. In general, he stands thinking and thinking, and in the end he realizes that he won’t remember, and says to the seller, pointing to the chicken eggs: “Give me their mother.”
Armenians are a bright and positive people. Of course, they live in a country where it’s always sunny and warm! It is not surprising that, given such weather conditions, humor and all sorts of jokes are born so well in this environment.
Armenian jokes very often vividly express the traditions, foundations and everyday life of ordinary Armenians. We became interested in observing these people and we decided to make this collection so that our readers could also plunge into this world and read Armenian jokes.
Here is a set of jokes about Armenians, which were invented by the Armenians themselves and which are popular in Armenia itself:
The Armenian caught a goldfish.
- Let me go and I will fulfill your three wishes.
- Fine! So, I want 5 billion dollars, a cool palace and a cool car. This time...
Three Armenians boast:
- When I was happy, my Atets killed a ram!
- When I was happy, my atets killed a bull!
- And when I was happy, my atets stabbed the saseda!
Question to Armenian radio:
- Why do Jews have bulging eyes? Answer:
- Because mustard is free in the canteen!
Three Armenians are walking down the street, and a beautiful girl is walking in front of them. One:
- Eh, I wouldn’t spare ten thousand to sleep with such a girl! Another:
- What’s ten, I don’t mind twenty! Third:
- What are you talking about! Such a beauty, such a beauty! Such a girl needs to be dressed, put on shoes, given an expensive car, taken to a restaurant every evening! Then the girl turns around:
- Excuse me, which of you was the third to speak? Armenians in chorus:
- Yes, you go, go - that’s how we talk to each other...
Doomsday. Georgians are asked what is two times two? Georgian:
- Four! Well done, go to heaven. To Azerbaijani:
- Three times three? Azerbaijani:
- Nine! Well done, go to heaven. To the Armenian:
- 254675 multiplied by 356748.9? Armenian:
- If there are no places, they would immediately say macaw!
The Chukchi are asked:
-Which are the stupidest people in the world?
- Armenians!
- Why?!
- My neighbor is Armenian. How many times have I told him, don’t go to my wife, he doesn’t understand.
An Armenian and a Jew were suing, and the judge was given 10 years of strict regime.
Question to Armenian radio:
- What does a warrant officer do in the army? Answer:
“Before lunch, the ensign thinks about what to steal, and after lunch, he thinks about how to remove the stolen goods from the territory of the unit.”
Two Japanese, a Georgian, an Armenian and an Azerbaijani are riding in the elevator. Here one Japanese says to another Japanese:
- These Russians all look the same.
Question to Armenian radio:
- How should a wife treat her husband? Answer:
- Like with a dog: feed it regularly, caress it, let it go for a walk.
Sochi. Armenians travel in the old 24th Volga. The heat is unbearable. In Volga the windows are closed. Soon the Volga passenger cannot stand it anymore:
- Mamikon, it’s so hot, our windows are closed, huh?!
- Calm down, Vakhtang, let everyone think that we have a candidate!
Question to Armenian radio:
-Can a woman be a genius? Answer:
- A woman is a complex creature, and everything ingenious, as we know, is simple...
Before repatriation to Armenia, the Armenian agreed with his brother who remained in the west that if things were bad in the USSR, he would write a letter in green ink. Soon a letter comes from him, written in regular ink:
- Everything is fine, I got an apartment, good job, everything is in abundance.
- If there are any shortcomings, they are minor. For example, green ink is difficult to obtain.
Armenian to Armenian:
- I heard your son was born, what was his name?
- In honor of Gagarin!
- Yurik, or what?
- No, what Yurik? Great auk!
An Armenian comes to apply for a job and shows his higher education diploma. He is asked:
- Well, where did you buy your diploma? He answers:
- What, if he’s Armenian, does that mean he bought it right away? Gave it!
Question to Armenian radio:
- What is love at a distance? Answer:
- This is when you are at work, the bed is at home, and the alcohol is at the bar.
Why are Armenians always lucky?
- Because fortune is afraid to turn its back on them.
The Armenian caught a taxi and said:
- I’m going to the market, and then to the station. Driver:
- There is no MARKET!!! Armenian:
- Then to the station!
Two acquaintances meet, one asks the other:
- Do you know how the trial ended between a Jew and an Armenian?
- I know. The prosecutor was given 10 years.
Question to Armenian radio:
- How can we make sure that Russian news on TV is no different from Ukrainian news? Answer:
- Turn off the sound.
On the train there is an Englishwoman in a seductive miniskirt. The Armenian from the top shelf devours her with his eyes. Seeing such close attention to herself, the Englishwoman becomes flirtatious. Either he’ll go to the mirror to straighten his hair, or he’ll move his suitcase on the shelf. But the Armenian is silent and, you know, eats the Englishwoman with his eyes. To somehow defuse the situation, the Englishwoman asks:
- Do you speak English? The Armenian answers:
- Wah! I really want it!
A plane flies over Armenia on March 8. The Armenian takes a handful of silver and throws it overboard:
- Our women love silver! The plane circles and turns towards Georgia. The Georgian takes a handful of gold and throws it overboard:
- Our women love gold! The plane circles and turns towards Russia. The Russian looks first at the Armenian, then at the Georgian.
- Well, Katso?
- Give up what your women love! Russian:
- So I’m thinking, which of you should I throw in front?
An Armenian is standing on the road, next to a car smashed against a tree... Another Armenian stops, gets out of the car, and asks:
- What's happened?
- Vai-vai-vai, I am no longer an Armenian! I crashed the car! Second:
- Well, think about it, you crashed the car - you’ll buy a new one.
- Vai-vai-vai, I am no longer an Armenian! You see a girl in the car! Second:
- Well, don’t worry - you’ll find a new one.
- Vai-vai-vai, I am no longer an Armenian! See what's in her mouth! Second:
- VAI-VAI-VAI, YOU ARE NO LONGER ARMENIAN!!!
An Armenian reads at a beer stall:
- There is no beer, but for Armenians there is no beer at all! Asks the seller:
- Why not for Armenians at all?
- Because when Armenians ask:
- Is there beer?, they are answered:
- No, then they will definitely ask again:
- Not at all?
A Georgian and an Armenian meet. An Armenian asks a Georgian:
- What is your name? Ivak, answers in Georgian, and in Russian Ivan.
- And you? Hakob, the Armenian answers, but in Russian it’s a trench!
What is it: an Armenian quarrels with a Georgian in Russian? This is a meeting of the National Council of Reforms in Ukraine.
Dialogue between two Georgians:
- Gogi, you heard it, they say the Armenians are smarter than us!
- How??
- Than mi
One coach created a football team that beat everyone, both the Brazilians and the Germans... They ask him:
- How did you do it?
- I put the Chechens in the attack - it’s hard to fight them off, the Georgians in the midfield - it’s hard to come to an agreement with them, in defense of the Azerbaijanis - until you pay you won’t get through, and against the Armenians - even if you score a goal, you can’t prove it.
A Jew was suing an Armenian. Journalists were not allowed into the hall. At the end of the trial, they still asked the judge how the case ended.
- The prosecutor was given fifteen years.
Do you know how the case ended between the Jew and the Armenian?
- How is it that I don’t know? Prosecutor Ivanov received 10 years!
Two Armenians are talking:
- Daragoy, let's go to the bathhouse.
- Let’s wash ourselves at the same time!
The Russian national football team plays with the Armenian national team and all this in Yerevan.
- I don’t understand, why go somewhere? In Moscow, in my opinion, there are even more Armenians.
Two Armenians are talking on the Armenian radio:
- If you fuck a woman while standing, it's a standing woman!
- If you fuck a woman doggy style, she’s a femme fatale! At this time there is a call to the studio.
- Last year I was fucked on a bag of raisins?!
- So you are an amazing woman!
Three Armenians are walking down the street, in front of them is a beautiful girl. One Armenian:
- Eh, I wouldn’t spare five thousand to sleep with such a girl! Second:
- Why are there five, I don’t mind ten! Third:
- What are you, such a beauty, such a beauty! Such a girl needs to be dressed, put on shoes, given an expensive car, taken to a restaurant every evening! The girl turns around:
- Excuse me, which of you was the third to speak? Armenians:
- Yes, go, go, we’re just talking to each other...
Question to Armenian Radio:
- Why is the flight of a wasp so unpredictable?
- How can you fly otherwise, with an awl in your ass?
They ask an Armenian:
- Which is the most beautiful bird?
- Eagle!!!
- Why?
- Because the nose is beautiful!
How do you know the Armenian language so well?
- Our English teacher at school was Armenian.
An Armenian is walking along Red Square with a turkey. Suitable ment:
- Citizen, it is forbidden to walk with animals here.
- Macaw, look at the pigeons sitting around, what can they do? Yes?
- Well, the dove is a symbol of peace...
- What about my turkey? Did they declare war on you?
The conductor of the new international symphony orchestra introduces the musicians to foreign journalists:
- This is Petrov, Russian. Petrenko, Ukrainian. Petrosyan, Armenian. Petrashvili, Georgian. And this is Rabinovich, the violinist...
Question to Armenian radio:
- Is it possible to make a hookah from a samovar? Answer:
- Can. But why spoil an almost finished moonshine still?!
Three new Armenians arrived at a 5-star hotel. One orders three pools:
- For us, please, one pool with hot vada, one with cold water, and the third - without vada! Employee:
- Why do you need a pool without water?
- Well, my friend doesn’t know how to swim!
At the monument:
- Ay, what a handsome Armenian! He died very young!
- Come on, this is Pushkin, the Russian poet!
- What Pushkin, what Russian!? Don't you see the inscription:
- THE LAWN IS SEEDED.
An Armenian is sitting in a restaurant. He has drinks and snacks on the table, and a gorgeous blonde on his lap. His friend enters the hall:
- Wow, macaw, you have an ulcer!!! The doctor forbade you from all this!!!
- Just think, doctor!!! I gave him $300, so he allowed me everything again...
The Catholicos of all Armenians dies.
“My children,” he addresses those gathered around his deathbed, “take care of the Jews more than anything in the world!” Because when they finish with the Jews, they will start with the Armenians!
Armenian golden wedding.
“Grandfather Ashot,” the grandchildren ask, “you lived with grandmother Anush for so many years.” Have you really not had a desire to part with her for so many years, to separate, for example?
- Should we separate? No way! Kill - yes...
World War II. A Russian, a Georgian and an Armenian are sitting in a trench. We were surrounded. The Germans are coming. The Russian pops up with a lemon:
- For the Motherland!!
- and blew up the nearest tank. Here the enemy machine gunners cut him off. The Georgian jumps out with a machine gun:
- For Stalin!! And he cut down a group of infantrymen. It was filmed here too. The Armenian carefully leans out of the trench. Bullets whistle above him, he falls back into the trench, and from there comes:
- Your mother's macaw, did I just say??!!
Question to Armenian radio:
- Why don’t bass players like the Ferris wheel? Answer:
- Too high.
France has introduced punishment for denying the Armenian genocide. Türkiye threatened retaliatory sanctions:
- Carry out genocide of the French.
Jail. A Russian, an Armenian and a Jew are sitting in the same cell. Naturally, relatives constantly come to an Armenian and bring various packages. But no one comes to the Russian. And every time the Armenian treats him:
- Here, Vanya, eat, gain strength. Vanya eats with pleasure. And the Jew, shaking his head, warns:
- Oh, Vanya, Vanya, you shouldn’t be doing this. Oh, look, Vanya, this won’t end well. Then your butt might get sick. This goes on for about a month. And somehow, after the next program, the Armenian asks the Russian:
- Well, Vanya, did you eat? Was it delicious? Nourishing? Have you gained strength? Then help bend the Jew over.
An Armenian crosses the border. The customs officer tells him:
- In the declaration in the column "SEX"???
- Yes!!! Like everyone else - sam days in Nadel!
- No! I mean - man or woman.
- It doesn’t matter!!!
They seat a Georgian at a table with an Armenian in a restaurant. Georgian to the waiter:
- Bring us our Georgian wine. They bring wine and pour it into glasses. The Armenian takes his glass, swirls the wine in it, rinses it, and pours it out. Armenian:
- Now bring us our Armenian cognac... The whole evening continues in the same spirit. When paying, the Georgian leaves the waiter a $100 tip. Armenian - $200. In the Georgian wardrobe: 50% goes to the wardrobe attendant. Armenian to the wardrobe attendant:
- Here you go, brother, $100 and you don’t need a coat...
What is the difference between a Belarusian and an Armenian?
- An Armenian drinks “kon yak”, and a Belarusian drinks “yak kon”.
Question to Armenian Radio:
- Can a girl get pregnant from cotton wool?
- Maybe if the cotton wool is from a soldier's mattress.
One Armenian was asked:
- What does the expression mean:
- Where is a Jew, is there nothing for an Armenian to do?
- A very incomprehensible expression. But here's the expression:
- Where there is an Armenian, there is nothing for a Jew to do. easy to explain.
Question to Armenian radio:
- What is the similarity between a bicycle and power? Answer:
- At the top are the steering wheels, at the bottom are the chains.
The Armenian graduated from the Medical Institute, Faculty of Speech Therapy. First reception day. Another Armenian comes into the office, has a lisp, and has trouble pronouncing his words. Speech therapist:
- Razdevites, go behind the screen. A minute later, a loud “ah-ah...” is heard from behind the screen. The doctor comes out, washes his hands and says:
- Everything is fine, come tomorrow, we will study the letter “b”.
Question to Armenian radio:
- What is the correct way to say: asphalt is being laid or laid down? Answer:
- They put it down, we put it down.
Question to Armenian radio:
- Why do some girls get married, while others jump out? Answer:
- Those that jump out have been sitting in ambush for too long.
In a cannibal restaurant, a visitor asks the waiter:
- Why are all your dishes from Armenians three times more expensive than from people of other nationalities?
-Have you tried to pluck an Armenian?
Question to Armenian radio:
- What is the difference between those who are 60 and those who are 20?
- Those who are 60 know that in their souls they are the same age as those who are 20. And those who are 20 cannot believe it.
Two friends meet, one says:
- You know, I got married for the third time and finally successfully! I even lost my virginity!
-?!
- Who is the husband? And what happened before?
- Painter.
-?!
- The first one was a party functionary, he was fucked at work, he had no time for me. The second Armenian, he had everything in his ass. But this one still has the principle from work: if we don’t finish today, we’ll finish tomorrow, we can’t do it ourselves - the team will help!
Question to Armenian radio:
- What could be better than the first wedding night?
- The first one out of wedlock!
Two Armenians are sleeping on the same bed, one asks the other:
- Vano, are you sleeping?
- Yes.
- What is this in my butt then?
- A! Sorry, now the blame.
- I blame you! Go to sleep!
Two Armenians meet. One says to the other:
- Ashot, you're poor!
- What happened, macaw?
- My wife will be taken away by the army.
- Is Tiba a man?
- Nat! What kind of man?! The boy is great.
A Georgian is driving a car, suddenly he sees two Armenians raping another Georgian, he brakes sharply, runs out to help his fellow countryman, runs up to get on all fours and shouts:
- One here... one here!
An Armenian returns from a business trip, and his wife and her lover are in bed. The wife screams:
- Hovhannes!!! Vaime!! It's you?! (pointing to her lover) Listen, who is this then?!
Train. Coupe with three beds. On the top there is a Russian, in the middle there is an Armenian, at the bottom there is a Georgian. The Georgian became bored. I started thinking about how to have some fun, I strained myself, and how I farted! Two poor fellows hung from the shelves and asked in one voice:
- Hey, genatsvale! What are you doing?!
- One-nil in favor of Dynamo Tbilisi! Here the Armenian tensed up and spoke twice, so much so that the light went dark.
- Ay-yay, macaw, wai, how bad!
- Two-one in favor of “Ararat” Yerevan! The Russian, without hesitation, took out his end and let’s water the lower ones. They scream:
- What the hell are you doing so badly?!
- Despite the pouring rain, the match continues!
Two elderly Armenians are having a dialogue:
- Damn, Putin is handsome! How old is he anyway?
- 63 - Actually handsome! Younger than me, but such things make me sick!
The Armenian was caught by the Papuans. They tied him to a pole, lit a fire, and are going to eat him. Well, the Armenian, naturally, doesn’t want to, and offers the Papuans money, gold, and an apartment in Yerevan. The Papuans refuse. Then he looks next to him and there’s a guy knocking on the tom-tom. And that guy looks a lot like an Armenian. He shouts to him:
- Hey, brother, are you Armenian? Papuan, whispering:
- Yes, Armenians, but very hungry!
Armenian Radio was asked the question: “How to stay in power with an economy bursting at the seams?” Answer: “You have to keep your hands at your sides.”
Armenia. Tax policeman:
“You can’t even imagine how hard it is to collect taxes from these cunning Armenians.” For example, the Armenian Radio, we haven’t found it yet.
A man walks into a bookstore:
- Do you have the book “Twenty Years Down”?
- 8-O But we don’t know such a book...
- Well, there are also Atsos, Podsos, Ananist and the Armenians Dartanyan...
Question to Armenian radio:
- Why couldn’t Yuri Dolgoruky go a couple more weeks and found Moscow further south? Answer:
- Because he is Dolgoruky, not Long-legged.
Question to Armenian radio:
- How does the American president differ from the Russian one? Answer:
- When the American president takes the oath of office, he places his hand on the constitution.
What is internationalism in Georgian?
- This is when all people, without distinction of nationalities - Georgians, Russians, Ukrainians, Jews, Tatars and others - all together, in unison... go to slaughter the Armenians!
Jokes about Armenians are a special category of jokes that can be classified as jokes on national topics. People will find fault with everything, but especially with nationality. Whether true or not, people attach certain labels and patterns to other people, even if they don't fit them. You can’t measure everyone with the same brush, and yet sometimes it can be funny, since funny things can happen to everyone.
Armenians are a hot and emotional people. They are famous for their temperament, ability to express emotions and feelings, and uphold the honor of their family. They have their own culture and traditions. At the same time, these people are sociable, thanks to which they always have a wide circle of acquaintances.
Ordinary jokes about Armenians are not just funny stories from the life of this highly intelligent nation, but also descriptions of the way of life, cheerful and perky personalities who live with a smile on their faces and bring positivity into the lives of the people around them.
Most often, a joke has an unexpected semantic resolution at the very end, which gives rise to laughter. It could be a play on words different meanings words, modern associations that require additional knowledge: social, literary, historical, geographical, etc.
Read the funniest latest jokes, rate them, share with friends on social networks. The best funny jokes about Armenians, Georgians and Azerbaijanis. We read, smile, and maybe even laugh!
ARMENIAN JOKES
When my son Andryushka was 2 years old, Kisa agreed with me that the next weekend I would come to Sea Cliff to do babysitting, that is, look after Andryushka. On the appointed day in the morning, Kisa calls me and screams hysterically:
- Don't come! I can't!
-What's the matter? - I say.
- Yes, of course! After all, it’s Maslenitsa, and Rosalia Ivanovna Popova calls me and invites me for pancakes. But he says - ONLY WITHOUT A HUSBAND! You see, the whole Sea Cliff boycotted you! I can't see you!
“Kisa, all your life you’ve only been ashamed of this old fool.” And now you can’t live without her?!
Rosalia Ivanovna is an old Armenian woman, a friend of my mother-in-law Evgeniy Palny. Since my mother-in-law was confused with the Armenian Aram for many years, there is a whole gang of Russian women around her in mixed marriages with Armenians. This is Rosalia Ivanovna. Kisa was ashamed and avoided all these Armenians. And now everything in her head has turned the other way around.
Okay, let's see why Rosalia Ivanovna is being rude to me? Yes, everything is very simple. When crazy Kisa ran away from me, she, like a skunk or an American stink, released a poisonous stream, telling everyone she knew, including Rosalia Ivanovna, that I considered them degenerates. And now Kitty is freaking out about why this old Armenian woman is being rude to her. As a result, Sea Cliff turns into Sodomkino, and Glen Cove, where Rosalia Ivanovna lives, becomes Gomorkino, like Sodom and Gomorrah.
So, let's check whether Rosalia Ivanovna is a degenerate or not? She keeps quiet about her first husband, but they say that he was a Jew. She comes from Rostov-on-Don, where there were a lot of Armenians and Jews. There was a special suburb of Nakhichevan, entirely made up of Armenians. From this Armenian-Jewish marriage there was a son, Serezhenka. In Rosalia Ivanovna’s house there were hung pictures drawn by Serezhenka in her youth. All these paintings were of a gloomy black and purple color, which is typical for people suffering from depression, which ultimately leads to suicide. That’s how Serezhenka ended up. He was an aeronautical engineer, unmarried, and died in a car accident at the age of 25. But this is the American way of suicide.
Two weeks before his death, Serezhenka took out a large insurance policy of $25,000 in his mother’s name. This is also typical. After the death of her son, Rosalia Ivanovna used this money to buy herself a house in Glen Cove, excuse me, in Gomorkino. With her second husband, Martyn, she no longer had children and just constantly sighed: “Oh, Serezhenka... Serezhenka...” After all, it’s her own fault, and then he hisses at me, as if it were my fault.
How do American investigators investigate a crime? First of all, they interview friends, acquaintances and neighbors. And I also interviewed mutual friends. The conclusion is this: Serezhenka was a homosexual of the passive female type, he was a depressive psychopath, drank heavily and committed suicide, perhaps subconsciously, as psychiatrists like to say. It seems like an accident, but in fact it’s a pattern.
In principle, the story with the Armenians is the same as with the Jews: increased intelligence, but at the same time increased degeneracy. As people say, Armenian jokes. Hence the specific Armenian jokes from the “Armenian Radio Reports” series.
I don’t have to look far for examples. My first great love and my first bride, a beauty and smart woman, who in her prime fell ill with postpartum depression and, as a result, hanged herself. And only much later did I accidentally learn that Lenochka Berko was a cross between Armenians and Jews. May she rest in heaven!
The Armenians are the most intelligent and cultural nation of all the peoples of the Caucasus, they produced many famous people as part of Tsarist Russia and the Soviet Union, but we should not forget the other side of the coin. So as not to walk through life blindly.
Just look at my mother-in-law Evgeniy Palna. There's a whole Armenian bouquet there. For many years she was confused with the Armenian Aram Safaryan. At first everything seemed normal. And then it turns out that his wife, Lyubochka, is in a madhouse. And it turns out that this Lyubochka is half-Jewish.
Valechka was a friend of my mother-in-law. And Valechka’s son, half-Armenian Boris, eventually turned out to be mentally ill. This is how my righteous man Kolya burned.
My mother-in-law's boyfriend, Aram Safaryan, had a brother, Michel. At first, Michel courted the crazy Vera Zavalishina, and then married the half-crazy Musa. Michel was small, ugly and old, he was already about 45 years old. And Musa was 20 years old, and she was a hefty woman with evil eyes. However, Musya gave birth to two children, and my mother-in-law says: “Musya throws the children against the wall, and the Armenians want to put her in a madhouse!”
At the age of 50, Musya became ill with menopausal insanity and left her 75-year-old husband Michel. But the funniest thing is that instead of 75-year-old Michel, the psychopathic Musya found herself, they say, a 90-year-old lover - and also an Armenian, with whom Michel used to play chess. And this whole gang is friends with Rosalia Ivanovna and my mother-in-law.
How did my Kitty finish? All her life she was ashamed of her mother and her Armenian environment. And when she herself fell ill with menopausal psychosis, she divorced me and married an ill-fated Jew, whom she had previously called a pederast, for her second marriage. Then this bugger spat in her face and committed suicide. And the inconsolable widow did not even bury him.
What happened next? Then the following law applies: after 50 years, you will not find anything good in the market for brides and grooms, only scum and garbage remain there. In accordance with this law, my ex-Kisa found herself a third husband. And it turned out to be an Armenian, a baker by profession, a pizza baker, and even a former baker, and now unemployed, living on welfare, benefits for the poor.
They got married on 2nd Avenue. To begin with, Kisa told the police that I would come to the wedding to kill her, and even bring a bomb. And I didn’t know anything at all. As a result, there were more police at the wedding than anyone else. After the wedding, as usual, there is a reception for friends. Then the cunning Kisa called on the phone and ordered a telegram for herself, supposedly from me and with my signature, that I would come to the reception to kill her. Having received a telegram signed by me, she again called the police. And there were more police at the reception than guests.
Seryozhka Genebart was at this reception and later told me: “For some reason, all the guests were entirely Jews. Although this Armenian’s name is Khachik Arsenyan, I think that he is not an Armenian, but an Armenian Jew.” And Seryozhka is an expert in these matters. That’s why he is friends with Rosalia Ivanovna. This is all one gang, a cross between Armenians and Jews.
Since I have taken up the Armenian issue, here’s another little thing...
My ex-wife Kisa’s younger sister, Milka, was already a lesbian at the tender age of 15 and had a lesbian affair with Sofochka Ivanova, who lived nearby, on the corner of Broadway and 95th Street. Sofochka's mother was a typical Armenian; her first husband was a Jew who was lost during the war. And her second husband was the Russian doctor Ivanov. Sofochka considered and called herself a Jew. Then my Kisa said: “Sofochka is a lesbian and openly lives with a French woman... Then one morning mom comes to Madame Ivanova and sees that Sofochka and Milka are running around the apartment naked and hot. Then mom forbade Milka to go to Sofochka.”
Later, the lesbian Sofochka calmly married a Jew and homosexual named Bernstein. Sofochka insisted that they change their last name, and from the Bernsteins they became the Burtons, like the famous artist Burton, the husband of the Hollywood star Elizabeth Taylor. Then the newly minted Mr. Burton was a cultural adviser at the American embassy in Paris, and the Armenian-Jewish Sofochka had lesbian relationships with French women for her pleasure, fortunately there are more of them in Paris than in New York. A happy ending, a “happy ending” just like in Hollywood.
By the way, a real artist Burton is a bitter alcoholic and plays mostly alcoholics. And the beautiful Elizabeth Taylor, having changed a bunch of husbands, does not leave the psychiatric clinic, where she is being treated for alcoholism. This is true Hollywood happiness for you.
The famous physician of classical antiquity, Hippocrates, the father of medicine, wrote: “I consider the most important ability to observe.” Here I sit and watch that biblical “beast”, where the “number of the beast” promises wisdom, biblical wisdom. From the words of Saint John the Theologian himself.
Here's another such observation. In 1948 in
In Stuttgart I lived in the apartment of an old woman, Varvara Popkova. They tell me: “Keep in mind that before you, there was one Armenian who lived with her. He played all the Armenian jokes on her – both double and triple. But even he couldn’t stand it and ran away from her. She will pester you too.” The old woman turned out to be extremely harmful, and I also ran away from her.
Varvara had a daughter, and her daughter had an alcoholic husband who beat her mercilessly, allegedly because she was infertile. Later, already in New York, this alcoholic by the name of Bykov owned the Volga bookstore on Broadway and 141st Street, where there was then a Russian district. But Varvara was such a bitch that Bykov jumped out of the window from the 6th floor from such a mother-in-law and killed himself. In the end, in her old age, Varvara Popkova went crazy, and she was also overcome by paralysis. My mother-in-law, Evgeniy Palna, worked for her as a nurse for a while and then said: “She is sex-crazed. She grabs my breasts and gets under my skirt!” And these are two 80-year-old women. This is how these Armenian jokes end.
Grigory Klimov. Revelation. Chapter 22
From the book UFO Secrets author Varakin Alexander SergeevichCHAPTER 14. Deadly jokes Pursuit of aircraft by UFOs, unfortunately, has a number of sad and mysterious endings. And we can only guess about many of the episodes in the history of aviation, since communication with the crews of such aircraft was cut off unexpectedly,
From the book In Search of the Black Stone authorChapter 7 The joke is over - Is this possible? - Daisy was amazed. “You saw with your own eyes how Yun Zhou committed hara-kiri and died. How could he drink tea with raspberry jam? - Maybe no one dies in the Valley of the Immortals? - suggested Wing Chun. - Listen
From the book In Search of the Black Stone author Medvedev Alexander Nikolaevich From the book 100 Great Mystical Secrets author Bernatsky AnatolyPoltergeist jokes You won’t envy a person around whom dishes fly of their own accord, furniture overturns, and window glass and mirrors crack. At these moments, all sorts of thoughts may come to mind, and, of course, first of all, the assumption that there is an infestation in the room
From the book Zen Buddhism. Lessons from the wisdom of Zen teachers by Stephen HodgePractical Lesson: Spiritual Jokes and Pranks How do you think enlightened people behave? We all, as a rule, imagine the following archetypal image of a religious teacher: the teacher must be wise, calm, strict and serious, attentive, with everything
Is it possible to stop a train with your butt?
- It’s possible if it’s red.
What is the difference between a woman and a yacht?
- On a yacht, first they put up the mast, and then they raise the sails, but for a woman it’s the other way around.
What is a fellow soldier?
- This is a man who can only throw one stick.
What's between a woman's legs?
- Washing machine- you put the thing in and take out a rag.
The Armenian radio was asked:
- Why do the eagle heads on the Russian coat of arms look in different directions?
- They are looking for a third one.
Listen, Armen, have you always been an artist?
- Who am I just not! I even beat him with an artist! I played brilliantly. Brilliant! But he spoke poorly, with diction. But I still played one main role.
- And who?
- Gerasima in "Mu-Mu".
- To the cinema?
- No, on the radio...
The Armenian radio was asked:
- Why do Americans treat people with disabilities with such love?
- Out of habit. After all, most American women wear silicone prostheses instead of breasts.
The Armenian radio was asked:
- Why do all Iranian boys wear mustaches?
- They want to be like their mothers.
Tourists meet in New York - a Chinese and an Armenian. The Chinese asks:
- Where are you from?
- From Armenia.
- How many of you are there?
- Nobody knows exactly, about five million.
- Well... how many of you are from Armenia, what hotel did you stay in?
Armenian radio reports:
- Finally, we caught Bigfoot.
Georgian radio answers:
- And whoever you were there just finally caught.
Armenian radio is asked:
- Can a new Russian have wind in his pockets?
Answer:
- Maybe, but it’s not the wind, but a wallet with air conditioning...
A girl calls the radio and says:
- Yesterday I found a wallet, there were 5 thousand dollars, 618 marks and a business card in the name of Garik Marikyan, Shvernik Avenue, 19... please play him some good song!
The Armenian radio was asked:
- Why do men have buttons on the right, and women on the left?
- It’s more convenient to unfasten with your right hand.
Question to Armenian radio:
- What is a brothel?
Answer:
- Beer bar with locked toilet.
An Armenian married a Russian. They are sitting at home. The wife studies the book of customs, morals and traditions of the Armenian people and says: - Suren, listen, it is written here that earlier, in ancient times, in villages, husbands sold their wives to other men. So what - could you sell me? - I would give you a gift.
Somehow two Armenians meet.
- I heard you married a Japanese woman?
- Yes, indeed.
- So how?
- Disappointed.
- What's the matter?
- It turned out to be a pathetic Chinese fake.
Question to Armenian radio:
- What is the name of a cow that does not give milk?
- Greedy, beef.
The Armenian radio was asked:
What's the difference between a husband and a director?
- The director knows his deputy, but the husband does not.
The Armenian radio was asked:
- What will happen if all vodka disappears in Russia?
- Nothing in our world happens without a trace. This means that even if she disappears in Russia, she will appear somewhere. So, where it appears, Russia will be there.
The Armenian radio was asked:
Which the best remedy from diarrhea?
- "Tampax"!
- What about constipation?
- Corkscrew!
The Armenian radio was asked:
Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with cotton wool?
- Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
The Armenian radio was asked:
What can you take off a naked woman?
- Only a naked man.
The Armenian radio was asked:
What should you do when your mother-in-law is attacked by a tiger?
- He attacked himself, let him defend himself.
The Armenian radio was asked:
How to determine the border, where is Georgia and where is Armenia?
- We need to place a naked woman at the border: a Georgian will approach from the front, and an Armenian from behind.
- Forward >
A collection of the funniest jokes about Armenians, Armenian.
Read the latest jokes, rate them, share with friends on social networks.
Sex by phone in Armenia:
- Hello, is this intimate over the phone?
- Yes, brother...
In Armenia, on YouTube, before the video, instead of advertising, they play a toast.
In Armenia, even the machine for issuing tickets in the metro is a little haggled.
In Armenian teapots, the spout takes up 80% of the entire teapot.
Due to the tinting and loud music, the Armenian shuttle flew past the Moon.
One day an Azerbaijani was eating in a restaurant. At this time, an Armenian entered the restaurant and, seeing the only free space next to this Azerbaijani, asked him for permission to sit at his table to drink coffee.
The Azerbaijani invites him to sit down, then stands up and says to the whole restaurant:
- Hey, everyone present will have a glass of champagne at my expense! Of course, except for this Armenian!
The Armenian... smiles politely and thanks.
"It didn't come through!" - the Azerbaijani thinks.
- Hey, everyone present gets a BOTTLE of champagne! At my expense! Everyone EXCEPT THIS ARMENIAN!
The Armenian smiles widely and warmly thanks.
"Is he stupid?" - the Azerbaijani thinks.
- Hey! A bottle of the MOST EXPENSIVE COGNAC for everyone present! At my expense! Everyone, BUT NOT YOU! Well, it's a shame, right?
- Well, dear, what kind of grievances?! After all, thanks to you, my restaurant is doing so well today!
There are five reasons to marry an Armenian woman and fifty reasons not to marry an Armenian woman.
Five reasons to marry an Armenian woman are her beauty, kindness, passion, thriftiness and fidelity.
And fifty reasons not to marry her are her fifty relatives.
In Armenian schools, classmates pull girls' mustaches.
An Armenian reads at a beer stall: “There is no beer, but for Armenians there is NO beer at all.” Asks the seller:
- Why not for Armenians at all?
- Because when Armenians ask “Is there any beer?” You tell them no, and they ask: “NO AT ALL?”
An Armenian comes to apply for a job and shows his higher education diploma. He is asked:
- Well, where did you buy your diploma?
He answers:
- What, if he’s Armenian, does that mean he bought it right away? Gave it!
Armenian to Armenian:
- I heard your son was born, what was his name?
- In honor of Gagarin!
- Yurik, or what?
- No, what Yurik? Great auk!
A cannibal restaurant has opened. A visitor comes, flips through the menu and asks:
- Why are your dishes from Armenians three times more expensive than dishes from people of other nationalities?
The waiter answers:
-Have you tried to pluck an Armenian?
Morning. Subway escalator.
An elderly Armenian, now putting it to his ear, now twirling it in his hands, looks at the old Siemens and, unable to bear it, throws it into the morning bustle:
- Ti pasmatri, why is he writing! Well, how does he know that there is no registration?!
A Georgian writes a letter to an Armenian. I wrote the word “how” and drew a bee next to it. And a louse. The Armenian did not understand anything and calls his friend:
- What did you write, Gogi?
- How are you doing, louse? - explains Gogi.
The Armenian writes an answer. I drew a taxi and a ram. Gogi also did not understand anything in his friend’s message and calls Yerevan.
The Armenian answers him on the phone:
- Gogi, I wrote to you that I live like this.
Armenian joke:
By some miracle, the Armenian national team made it to the final of the World Cup. They are playing against the Brazilian national team. It's 20 minutes into the match, the score is 0:0. One of the Armenian defenders brings down Ronaldo near the penalty area. The referee awards a penalty without hesitation. Ronaldo sets the ball for himself, runs up... and stops in shock... “The Wall” stands with his back to him and facing the goal...
The judge comes up and asks:
- Is everything okay with your brain? You're looking in the wrong place!
- It’s not all right with your brain, do you think we’ll miss the chance to see this great goal?
All jokes are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people or events is purely coincidental.
